I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this just has baby written all over it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
