Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
