Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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