I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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