Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He shit in the fireplace
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