Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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