We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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