My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
