Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Randomize
