he shaved USA in his pubs
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
