I am puke
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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