what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
