I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
