I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
