I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
