he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
