using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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