i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
