Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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