The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
