Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
