Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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