and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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