Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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