I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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