FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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