I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
