Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
