Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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