so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
