I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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