i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
