You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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