My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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