I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you win again, gameday.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
