I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
