DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if only i could text you this smell
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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