Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
