I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
