Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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