I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
