its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
