my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
