i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
