it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
