So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
