for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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