can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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