Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
