How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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