watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
