what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Mom said you looked used
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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