I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
