Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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