Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
