Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
