So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
