I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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