At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
