Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
