remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
