I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
