He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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